“Nostalgia – a sentimental longing or wistful affection for a period in the past.”
Layers uncovered I thought I had healed as I was triggered as mercury retrograde showed up today as waves of nostalgia hit me.
Sitting with the feelings I gave myself permission to release stored grief for memories of people over the years I hold close in my heart in a root chakra meditation. Tears triggered by a visit to a hospital appointment I had this morning.
The people who were there for me and me for them once upon a time. My tribe, my home and sense of security and belonging ripped away as I have been rebuilding and starting over – again. A recurring theme in my lifetime, moving countries searching for home and at times being the runner archetype in relationships when I feel my safety threatened.
Home is where the heart is and living overseas away from these memories and people has only made it harder for me to attempt to settle in a country that has still not delivered on the same feelings I experienced with my old tribe.
My living in the ‘past’ and what could have been has halted me moving forward some days it feels like. But that’s not completely true as I had new opportunities to grab and experience, and lessons to learn through growth and changing lanes. There were new people to meet – friends, coaches and mentors to show me a new path. I’ve met lovely people and they are kind to me. We get along, we laugh, we talk, we collaborate and make the effort to form relationships.
So why do I still want and chase a feeling that only exists in my memories and heart now from a time in the past? That nostalgic yearning hurts so deep some days. Perhaps it’s the parts of me that come alive when I’m thriving, living and loving fully that I miss.
It’s like I’m afraid to let people in sometimes now to the real me, as so many left me behind, or as I learnt I had a more vested interest to try and maintain relationships than they did that I had to let go. I’m learning to be more protective of who I give my energy to and who I allow to receive from. A very big lesson as I’ve learnt to trust my intuition more.
Yet my ego sometimes wants to block receiving love as a protection when I’m around certain energies and vibes of people. But it has the complete opposite affect of not feeling like I belong anywhere. And that’s not a cool feeling! In some ways travel restrictions have forced me to stay and not run away from myself and get on a plane at every opportunity I craved excitement or wanted to run away.
Is this the lesson of letting go and experiences of people I needed to face and grow as a person? The ones who come and go, the ones who stay, and the ones who show up temporarily to teach me something.
Whatever’s best for me is accepting what’s meant to have happened is the only way it could have happened in the way that it did. Yet I’m releasing tears as I miss those moments and the parts of myself that shone when I was around my tribe, and experiencing a feeling of belonging and being ‘at home in my self’. Someone once said to me I have to learn to be completely at home with me too and not attached to people or places. I felt that.
Having faith I find home again in me and with a new tribe I let go of all expectations and trust it will all work out. Those meant to be in my life will show up, some people stay and some may return. For now I embrace the unknown and settle into my internal home – me.
The poem by Safire Rose ‘Letting Go’ resonates with parts of me as I let go of the thoughts blocking me from my future.
‘She let go.
She let go. Without a thought or a word, she let go.
She let go of the fear.
She let go of the judgments.
She let go of the confluence of opinions swarming around her head.
She let go of the committee of indecision within her.
She let go of all the ‘right’ reasons.
Wholly and completely, without hesitation or worry, she just let go.
She didn’t ask anyone for advice.
She didn’t read a book on how to let go.
She didn’t search the scriptures.
She just let go.
She let go of all of the memories that held her back.
She let go of all of the anxiety that kept her from moving forward.
She let go of the planning and all of the calculations about how to do it just right.
She didn’t promise to let go.
She didn’t journal about it.
She didn’t write the projected date in her Day-Timer.
She made no public announcement and put no ad in the paper.
She just let go.
She didn’t check the weather report or read her daily horoscope.
She didn’t analyze whether she should let go.
She didn’t call her friends to discuss the matter.
She didn’t do a five-step Spiritual Mind Treatment.
She didn’t call the prayer line.
She didn’t utter one word.
She just let go.
No one was around when it happened.
There was no applause or congratulations.
No one thanked her or praised her.
No one noticed a thing.
Like a leaf falling from a tree, she just let go.
There was no effort.
There was no struggle.
It wasn’t good and it wasn’t bad.
It was what it was, and it is just that.
In the space of letting go, she let it all be.
A small smile came over her face.
A light breeze blew through her.
And the sun and the moon shone forevermore…’
-Safire Rose