Category: What's on my mind?

This week is World Childless Week held each year in September. “World Childless Week aims to raise awareness of the childless not by choice (cnbc) community and enable every childless person to share their story with confidence. It’s for anyone who is childless despite their longing to be a parent because they have never been pregnant (for any reason), not carried full term or have suffered the sadness of a baby born sleeping. World Childless Week is here to support those who have felt the heartbreak of knowing they will be childless for life.”

The loss of tiny footprints is my story.

“To the tiny footprints I wanted to birth; yet didn’t have a chance to hold, feel, touch, see and experience – I loved the idea of you.” – Carolyn

I attended an insightful session on miscarriage, pregnancy and baby loss at work a while back. They take Wellbeing seriously and offer so much support and many awareness sessions to all their people. During that session I grieved some more that I’m not a mum, despite the yearnings I had when I was married and even in later years after my divorce. I sat in that virtual meeting heartbroken with my camera off, choking and sobbing. Another layer out the blue triggered for releasing old grief buried in the ‘busyness’ of my role at work.

A question I’m often asked in my “corporate workplace” when people meet me for the first time, “do you have kids?” Then follows the awkwardness of do I bluntly say “no”, or fill the gaps of silence, change the subject and laugh it off? Masking my feelings of “not being a good enough female”, as I don’t fit the societal norm and expectations. Or do I offer an explanation depending on who they are to me in my circle of close personal friendships, and other relationships in and outside of the office? Questions I debate and overthink about in my head.

A topic that still hits a nerve as life had other plans. I’ve had to learn to forgive myself for not knowing better at the time when I was married, and later after my divorce recognising the grief when I miscarried twice in my next long term relationship. Insensitive comments from friends and others over the years such as “the clock is ticking”, “somethings wrong with you” or my favourite one “you’re so lucky not to have kids, I wish I was you!” Seriously what the fuck….I now understand the full meaning of whatever people think of me is none of my business.

I’d crossed the threshold of “female age” safety and due to various health issues of hormone imbalances and endometriosis, I was not able to carry a baby. Having an ablation after a distressing number of years of heavy ongoing periods, and then months of no periods certainly impacted my emotional, mental and physical wellbeing.

I was even stupid enough to still attempt a promotion panel days after my surgery coming out of hospital. My people-pleasing mask of “pretending everything is fine” backfired on me. In hindsight I wish I had been more vocal, asked for an extension and rearranged the panel interview with the partners, and directors. Wisdom to know the difference right? My health is important to me now, and experiencing several medical conditions and issues made me understand more about putting my self care first.

It’s taken time for my body to readjust and learn about middle aged female health, hormones and the havoc that can happen when they are out of kilter. Louise Hay and her work also helped me a lot to understand the emotional blockages I had carried within me for years which impacted my overall wellbeing. My body’s way of storing stress, trauma experiences I had survived and lived through; plus emotional energies had contributed to some of the cervical health issues and root chakra abnormalities I experienced. I still am an advocate for her work and the work of Dr. Gabor Maté . The body says no at times! Yet we can heal, recover again and write a different story. I still am on that healing path.

Like I always have with grief, I buried my feelings and cracked on with work, going out, living life, travelling and masking the pain of being a childless woman.

I love children and being around my friends’ kids, teens and their young adults has given me a small peak into the world of families. Yet there are days I’ve been out on a ‘selfie date’ as I call them, and I have to go home because the pain of seeing families out and about sometimes is overwhelming. All I ever wanted was a family of my own and a sense of belonging.

Allowing myself to release the tears and move forward has been a journey that hasn’t been easy. I won’t lie about it and say I’ve embraced childlessness. I’ve gradually learnt to accept my reality and being childless. It doesn’t define my worth or the love I have to offer.

Do I regret the years when I was married that we were never on the same page? Yes of course I do, but it’s not going to change anything as the timing was never right and there were times when we thought “yes let’s do it” but we were scared too at the thought of being parents. Plus, I had some hang ups too and they got in the way due to other ongoing family issues at the time I was going through with my dad. So yes this girl did have some ‘daddy issues’ she had to deal with in therapy and coaching and heal from. I reparented my inner child with the support of the best trauma therapists and psychologists in London and Cape Town and got to write a different story overcoming limiting beliefs and becoming a healthier and healed me.

Despite meeting a few men online after several years single it was time to test the waters. I ticked the criteria box on a few online dating apps that I was open to them having kids. Being real at my age and knowing that men too may have not had kids for whatever reasons was also another option I selected. One guy I met and dated was testing me to see would I consider adoption? With the right man possibly, but he wasn’t for me despite several dates as we got to know each other. We went our separate ways in my ‘social dating experiment’ to meet a new partner.

After hit and miss matching moments I’ve deleted the dating apps. I now trust that when the time is right I will meet someone who is either childless like me, or he has a child or children from a previous relationship. What’s most important is more than the kids it’s about the type of man I would like to attract as my future love and life partner.

As per laws of attraction and my higher power/higher self/God/universe, you know better than ‘me’, and I’m trusting that you are going to deliver the right man for me with or without children. It would be an awesome thing if we could ask the Universe for a delivery tracking number as he hasn’t shown up yet!

I’ve learnt so much more about myself now and the importance of loving myself first before we can offer our love to another person or to children. Yet I know there is no perfection; as we are meant to be in relation to others as the whole unique human beings we are!

Maybe that was why I had to go through some difficult life and relationship lessons, and experiences to address some of the unconscious beliefs I had held. Not believing I was worthy enough to be a mum, and that I wasn’t loveable; I had unconsciously sabotaged any chances of becoming a mother.

To my friends who kept me in the circle after my marriage and long term relationship ended – thank you and I love you. For the others who parted ways – I loved what we experienced and had through those life chapters.

Yet, I’m sorry too you thought I wasn’t good enough to be part of the couple and kids gang anymore. I desperately wanted what you had. It’s taught me a lot about relationships and friendships, letting go and I’ve found new friends who don’t judge me, or project their unconscious fears onto me. I also found my own worth and it’s not tied to any one person any more.

Talking to other people who’ve been in similar situations has helped a lot, as only by walking in each others shoes can we find compassion for ourselves and others to have a deeper understanding of the intricacies of life, love, birth and death.

To the tiny footprints I wanted to birth; yet didn’t have a chance to hold, feel, touch, see and experience – I loved the idea of you.

To anyone reading this you’re not alone, and may we all have the hearts to continue to love each other more and be kind to ourselves for being childless for whatever the reasons.

Some people stay, some people go, some people arrive, some people come back. Life is a continuous dance as we all are on a unique journey. If I meet you along the way I’ll enjoy and love the moments we create together.

Love Suitcase Cally