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Posted in Body, childless, General, Health, Humanity, Inspiration, Mind, Recovery, Relationships, What's on my mind?, Wisdom

The loss of tiny footprints

Posted on by Suitcase Cally
Footprints I lost

This week is World Childless Week held each year in September. “World Childless Week aims to raise awareness of the childless not by choice (cnbc) community and enable every childless person to share their story with confidence. It’s for anyone who is childless despite their longing to be a parent because they have never been pregnant (for any reason), not carried full term or have suffered the sadness of a baby born sleeping. World Childless Week is here to support those who have felt the heartbreak of knowing they will be childless for life.”

The loss of tiny footprints is my story.

“To the tiny footprints I wanted to birth; yet didn’t have a chance to hold, feel, touch, see and experience – I loved the idea of you.” – Carolyn

I attended an insightful session on miscarriage, pregnancy and baby loss at work a while back. They take Wellbeing seriously and offer so much support and many awareness sessions to all their people. During that session I grieved some more that I’m not a mum, despite the yearnings I had when I was married and even in later years after my divorce. I sat in that virtual meeting heartbroken with my camera off, choking and sobbing. Another layer out the blue triggered for releasing old grief buried in the ‘busyness’ of my role at work.

A question I’m often asked in my “corporate workplace” when people meet me for the first time, “do you have kids?” Then follows the awkwardness of do I bluntly say “no”, or fill the gaps of silence, change the subject and laugh it off? Masking my feelings of “not being a good enough female”, as I don’t fit the societal norm and expectations. Or do I offer an explanation depending on who they are to me in my circle of close personal friendships, and other relationships in and outside of the office? Questions I debate and overthink about in my head.

A topic that still hits a nerve as life had other plans. I’ve had to learn to forgive myself for not knowing better at the time when I was married, and later after my divorce recognising the grief when I miscarried twice in my next long term relationship. Insensitive comments from friends and others over the years such as “the clock is ticking”, “somethings wrong with you” or my favourite one “you’re so lucky not to have kids, I wish I was you!” Seriously what the fuck….I now understand the full meaning of whatever people think of me is none of my business.

I’d crossed the threshold of “female age” safety and due to various health issues of hormone imbalances and endometriosis, I was not able to carry a baby. Having an ablation after a distressing number of years of heavy ongoing periods, and then months of no periods certainly impacted my emotional, mental and physical wellbeing.

I was even stupid enough to still attempt a promotion panel days after my surgery coming out of hospital. My people-pleasing mask of “pretending everything is fine” backfired on me. In hindsight I wish I had been more vocal, asked for an extension and rearranged the panel interview with the partners, and directors. Wisdom to know the difference right? My health is important to me now, and experiencing several medical conditions and issues made me understand more about putting my self care first.

It’s taken time for my body to readjust and learn about middle aged female health, hormones and the havoc that can happen when they are out of kilter. Louise Hay and her work also helped me a lot to understand the emotional blockages I had carried within me for years which impacted my overall wellbeing. My body’s way of storing stress, trauma experiences I had survived and lived through; plus emotional energies had contributed to some of the cervical health issues and root chakra abnormalities I experienced. I still am an advocate for her work and the work of Dr. Gabor Maté . The body says no at times! Yet we can heal, recover again and write a different story. I still am on that healing path.

Like I always have with grief, I buried my feelings and cracked on with work, going out, living life, travelling and masking the pain of being a childless woman.

I love children and being around my friends’ kids, teens and their young adults has given me a small peak into the world of families. Yet there are days I’ve been out on a ‘selfie date’ as I call them, and I have to go home because the pain of seeing families out and about sometimes is overwhelming. All I ever wanted was a family of my own and a sense of belonging.

Allowing myself to release the tears and move forward has been a journey that hasn’t been easy. I won’t lie about it and say I’ve embraced childlessness. I’ve gradually learnt to accept my reality and being childless. It doesn’t define my worth or the love I have to offer.

Do I regret the years when I was married that we were never on the same page? Yes of course I do, but it’s not going to change anything as the timing was never right and there were times when we thought “yes let’s do it” but we were scared too at the thought of being parents. Plus, I had some hang ups too and they got in the way due to other ongoing family issues at the time I was going through with my dad. So yes this girl did have some ‘daddy issues’ she had to deal with in therapy and coaching and heal from. I reparented my inner child with the support of the best trauma therapists and psychologists in London and Cape Town and got to write a different story overcoming limiting beliefs and becoming a healthier and healed me.

Despite meeting a few men online after several years single it was time to test the waters. I ticked the criteria box on a few online dating apps that I was open to them having kids. Being real at my age and knowing that men too may have not had kids for whatever reasons was also another option I selected. One guy I met and dated was testing me to see would I consider adoption? With the right man possibly, but he wasn’t for me despite several dates as we got to know each other. We went our separate ways in my ‘social dating experiment’ to meet a new partner.

After hit and miss matching moments I’ve deleted the dating apps. I now trust that when the time is right I will meet someone who is either childless like me, or he has a child or children from a previous relationship. What’s most important is more than the kids it’s about the type of man I would like to attract as my future love and life partner.

As per laws of attraction and my higher power/higher self/God/universe, you know better than ‘me’, and I’m trusting that you are going to deliver the right man for me with or without children. It would be an awesome thing if we could ask the Universe for a delivery tracking number as he hasn’t shown up yet!

I’ve learnt so much more about myself now and the importance of loving myself first before we can offer our love to another person or to children. Yet I know there is no perfection; as we are meant to be in relation to others as the whole unique human beings we are!

Maybe that was why I had to go through some difficult life and relationship lessons, and experiences to address some of the unconscious beliefs I had held. Not believing I was worthy enough to be a mum, and that I wasn’t loveable; I had unconsciously sabotaged any chances of becoming a mother.

To my friends who kept me in the circle after my marriage and long term relationship ended – thank you and I love you. For the others who parted ways – I loved what we experienced and had through those life chapters.

Yet, I’m sorry too you thought I wasn’t good enough to be part of the couple and kids gang anymore. I desperately wanted what you had. It’s taught me a lot about relationships and friendships, letting go and I’ve found new friends who don’t judge me, or project their unconscious fears onto me. I also found my own worth and it’s not tied to any one person any more.

Talking to other people who’ve been in similar situations has helped a lot, as only by walking in each others shoes can we find compassion for ourselves and others to have a deeper understanding of the intricacies of life, love, birth and death.

To the tiny footprints I wanted to birth; yet didn’t have a chance to hold, feel, touch, see and experience – I loved the idea of you.

To anyone reading this you’re not alone, and may we all have the hearts to continue to love each other more and be kind to ourselves for being childless for whatever the reasons.

Some people stay, some people go, some people arrive, some people come back. Life is a continuous dance as we all are on a unique journey. If I meet you along the way I’ll enjoy and love the moments we create together.

Love Suitcase Cally

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Divine Feminine: “These are the Women”

Posted on by Suitcase Cally
Photo credit: @suitcasecally I took this photo in my old home town near the clinic I used to work at in Cape Town. If you’re ever heading out from Misty Cliffs and Scarborough area be sure to visit the open African Art studio nestled under the trees next door to Gina’s African Art Shop on the M65 Redhill Road

A few years ago I started to research, learn, understand and explore divine feminine and masculine energies. Terms I hadn’t really considered or given much thought to on my own healing journey and in my work as a former counsellor.

It wasn’t until looked back that I started to make the connections along the way and why certain people, things and places had to change. I became more aware of getting to know myself, and peeling away layers of old patterns, beliefs and challenging myself to step out of my shell. It’s still an ongoing journey and understanding energies has heightened my awareness around me when I meet people along the path who have been my inspiration and teachers or mentors. Like attracts like, and not chasing or trying to fix or control anymore has been liberating. Trusting more in myself and my intuition to guide me is still work in progress.

We are one – embracing both feminine and masculine energies. Yet we can be too dominant either way and being able to flex and shift ourselves requires a deeper awareness of energies, thoughts, emotions and behaviours. As a former mentor once shared Shakespeare’s quote with me “to thine own self be true”!

These words written by Sophie Bashford resonated with me as she describes beautifully what it’s like to be bold and courageous, share wisdom and walk a path off the beaten track.

THESE ARE THE WOMEN

“Women who are called into divine feminine service – that of raising the collective feminine spiritual vibration quotient on this planet – are not shrinking violets.

These women – who no doubt possess an ocean of the purest unconditional love and compassion at their conjoined Hearts – must be strong, bold and wise enough to make waves wherever they are sent.

These women are the Ones who walk into old paradigms and shake them up at their core.

These women are the Ones who have heard the Call of the Mountains, of the Sea, and of the Stars and Wind, and are doing something about it.

They are compassionate enough to have heard the desperate cries of those who need their Light. They are brave enough to move out of their own self-deprecation and self-doubt, and move into communities that require a sensitive, wise, age-old and intuitive voice to lead them back to sanity.

These women are not ‘nice’. They are not compliant. They are not people-pleasers. They do not seek approval from every ego that crosses their path. They do not adhere to the embedded morality and restrictions related to ‘what good girls do’.

They are not ‘good girls’. They are not ‘bad girls’ either. They refuse to be put into boxes because they have chosen to release and liberate their Spirits.

If they only lived to seek approval from others then they would be agreeing to the status quo as it is right now in this world.

Finally.

These courageous, pioneering females have appetites for life, for love, for sex, for food, for men, for women, for the earth, for the Light.

They have appetites for power, and they are greedy for personal and spiritual expansion.

When you control a woman’s appetite for anything, you make it easier to control her.

These women were never, ever destined to be controlled. They have been given very specific roles by the Goddess to go into achingly-old and crumbling patriarchal paradigms, and break them up.

They have been selected to charge into places that are stuck, dead, overgrown with weeds, blocked and numb. They bring with them their overarching Higher Wisdom and carefully-honed skills of healing.

They know, deep inside, that the people and places that they are sent to are designed to be broken open, broken down, broken through.

This is not an easy task because it demands total courage and conviction of the Self.

It demands total Wholeness, Self-Realisation, Commitment to Truth, Unwavering Faith and Devotion to the Greater Good.

It demands Vision and Foresight.

It demands staying centred in the eye of the storm.

It demands all their inner resources to create frequency changes, stir up the emotional and spiritual waters, expose secrets and lies, confront denials and plant the seeds of extreme and radical transformation.

When these Women are called in, changes start.

All that has been repressed and denied begins to surface. The healing starts, but first comes the chaos.

Women of Spirit are not afraid of chaos, because they know that all New Light is born from it.

They are not afraid of intense emotions. They are not afraid of the ego’s reactions to being threatened by Divine Love.

Women who are in their Wholeness are a threat to the Old Order.

Women who love themselves, their bodies, their hearts, their intuitive senses, their psychic gifts, their ability to love without manipulation or fear – these women are dangerous to the status quo.

These women have energy to change the earth, bring Her back to balance, bring Her back to Love.

Because they are not wasting time or energy hating themselves. They are not wasting time worrying about what others think of their brazen confidence, their unapologetic, raw creative and sexual power, their mesmerising intelligence, and ability to rule the world.

These women do not have to apologise for existing.

They do not have to make themselves quieter, smaller, more ‘appropriate’, less visible or diminished.

They are sent to Earth to love with a fierce quality of compassion and wild, sacred intensity that has no roots in the ego.

This kind of Healing Love can only ever emanate from the Spirit.

These are brave, wise, visionary, patient, persevering, devoted and relentless females.

They will keep going until their last human breath on the earth plane.

They will not stop.

These are Women who Live to carry out tasks of great global and universal importance. Don’t underestimate the nature of these Holy Tasks. There are many who live here who want to bring them down; who can’t handle their ability to reveal Truth; who wither in the face of such unbridled self-love.

Who the hell do these women think they are?

Who do they think they are, to go around believing in themselves, loving themselves, admiring themselves, using their talents, expounding their ideas, opinions and wisdom, spreading their goddamn-blinding-Light?

Women who don’t need approval from men to feel they are valid. Women who don’t need to be kept by a man to feel they are safe. Women who don’t need to be in a relationship just to feel worthy.

These are women who really, truly love men.

These are the women that hold the Real Keys to the spiritual progression of the Masculine.

They are the Ones who will love men from a place of re-discovered Wholeness and Empowered Essence.

This is what Men really want, and need, in order to be free, divinely-motivated, built-up, charged and ready for the New Era.

These Women of Spirit NEED men, and adore men. But they are programmed to CHALLENGE men at their very existential core.

In order for these Women to be ravished, taken, blown-open to God and taken into worshipful ecstasy by Men, they need first to have challenged them, pushed them, confronted them and ignited their Spirits.

These Women have a Contract to show the men who are ready for them Who They Really Are.

And this only happens if women make waves, make noise, challenge untruth, unashamedly reveal and display their power, and look unwaveringly into the eyes of any who would seek to diminish them.

If you know a woman like this, you will already have felt the vibrations of her.

If you are this woman, don’t give up.

If you want to be this woman, you have full Divine permission.

Go, and rock the world on it’s axis.

You were never, ever born to be forgotten. You will always, eternally, be remembered.”

Copyright 2016 Sophie Bashford

Visit her website and Facebook page for further information if you feel the call to go deeper into your soul.

Photo credit: @suitcasecally I took this photo in my old home town near the clinic I used to work at in Cape Town. If you’re ever heading out from Misty Cliffs and Scarborough area be sure to visit the open African Art studio nestled under the trees next door to Gina’s African Art Shop on the M65 Redhill Road

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Secrets of False Bay

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Another kak day of South African splendour – Cape of Good Hope, Cape Point, random ostriches popping out in the middle of the road, fynbos, Smitswinkel, and do not feed the baboons! 🤣🐒🙈 it was very windy 🌬

Cape Point is often very windy at the southern tip of South Africa in the Table Mountain National Park. Living close by I’d often go into the park for some peaceful reflection. So it’s no accident I had to go on this trip, and watch the crashing of waves along the coast and peer down a great drop of cliff face. Plus hearing the sounds of the wild sea around the tip of South Africa is a spectacular experience, with the gale force winds blowing too!

Cape Point

Driving along the coast from Smitswinkel Bay towards Simonstown there are baboon signs as warnings, as quite often they’ll be sitting in the middle of the road in their pack. There are lay-bys to pull over and people often have picnics not realising they risk their lives as the baboons come down from the mountain in search of food. If you do come across stay in the car and keep your distance and windows closed if they approach.

I used to work in Kommetjie and they would come into the clinic and waltz in through open doors and windows and cause havoc. They knew exactly where the kitchen was! We’d have to chase them out with the baboon whistle, or bang a pan with a wooden spoon and call the local baboon monitoring team to come help as they are protected species. Respectfully baboon and humans do live near each other, and knowing the boundaries is important as they are wild animals. As a former local we learnt not to feed the baboons or keep food out if you live in an area close to the mountainside and tribes.

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From Malaysia to the Cape: the Bo-Kaap

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The Bo-Kaap (“above the Cape” in Afrikaans) is an area in Cape Town formerly known as the Malay Quarter which is situated on the upper sidelines of Cape Town city centre hugging the slopes of Signal Hill.

With the backdrop of Table Mountain and brightly coloured homes and former cobbled stone streets, it’s an area rich in history and core of the Cape Malay culture in Cape Town. The Cape Malays are descendants of enslaved and free Muslims from different parts of the world who lived at the Cape during British and Dutch rule.

The bright colours of the homes are freshly painted and no one home can have the same colour as their neighbours is custom. You can have a different shade of blue, pink or green but not the same shade!

Initially Malays were from the Dutch colonies of South East Asia who were practising Muslims and scholars came to teach in the Bo-Kaap and bring their wisdom to the area.

Muslim temple

Due to the origins of the spice trade and links to Malaysia, India and other SE Asian countries, Cape Malay cooking is popular in South African cooking. The community played an important part in the creation of local dishes which are a favourite of many locals and expats living overseas today.

Cape Malay or Cape Dutch cooking utilises eastern spices including chilli peppers, nutmeg, starseed, coriander, and cinnamon to name a few influences by the slaves brought by the Dutch East India Company to the Cape and from the Dutch settlers from the Netherlands.

If you like curries, stews, sambals or picked fish you won’t be disappointed by the dishes on offer locally. A South African favourite I like to make is Bobotie a spicy mince meat baked dish with an egg based baked topping. Served with yellow rice both these dishes have Cape Malay origins. A dollop of Mrs Balls Chutney and friends are smiling sitting around the dinner table and you’re on fire!

Bobotie at home for my birthday with an African themed cake

If you want to find out more I highly recommend a walking tour or a visit to the local history museums. Zainie Misbach and her family offer ‘The Bo-Kaap Cooking Tour’ which is a great way to embrace and learn more about the Cape Malay traditions, and customs dating back to 400 years of food, culture and religious practices.

Whilst back to visit my former home and friends I decided to embrace the local community and met up with the local family who have been running cooking lessons and walking tours. I spent Saturday exploring the streets, visiting the local spice merchant Atlas Trading Company which has been around since 1946.

Of course I had to pick up my old favourite masalas which I frequently used when I lived in Cape Town: mother in law masala (hot spicy heat), father in law masala (low spicy heat) and the medium heat leaf masala. Top tip when grating fresh turmeric is to wear surgical gloves unless you wanted yellow stained fingers! Fresh curry leaves are used to make tea and have many health benefits including to lower cholesterol and high blood pressure with calming and relaxing side affects too. I know I’ll be looking out for them next time I visit my local Asian cooking supplier in Sussex.

We then headed over to Rose Street to learn how to make dhaltjies (chilli bites), samoosas, a traditional Cape Malay Chicken Curry and rooti. Afterwards we sat down and enjoyed a laden table of the dishes we had cooked together.

I highly recommend a visit to this rich area full of history and to explore an area where once a upon time homes were rented only; until apartheid restrictions were torn down and now local residents enjoy the freedoms their ancestors did not have.

The walking tour is fascinating and listening to Zayed and Zoelfah share the highlights of their family growing up in the area, the 12 noon gun salute shaking the homes and light fittings, and generations of stories make it a unique experience as a local or a visitor. The chatty and humorous family are full of joy and share openly about their community and tips to make Bo-Kaap soul food come to life.

Tossing rooti

The people are beautiful and I feel like I’m home again stepping back into moments and memories of my old life. Reconnecting with friends, the local people, the hum; it’s an energy that weaves through everything I find hard to describe. I’ve lived in other countries and travelled far, but Cape Town will always have a very special place in my heart. There’s something very special about the Mother City and the Bo-Kaap is one reason of many.

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Hanging out with my mates

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One of my happy places living in Cape Town was hanging out with the African Penguins in Simonstown. I’d walk amongst the coves and climb over the boulders with my dog TJ. Often penguins would waddle out from swimming in the sea and head back to huddling with their families.

I can spend hours watching them and they sometimes wander off from their nests and waddle around the local streets too; which is quite a comical sight and always gives me the giggles. If you visit the area make sure you check under your car before you drive off, as the summer heat may tempt them to take cover in a shady spot.

The local Boulders Beach Sanctuary is worth a visit to the centre to help support the preservation of these endangered species. The beach is secluded and to swim in the cool False Bay waters you’ll need to pay a conservation fee. If you have a South African ID book make sure you have it as there is a different fee for international visitors vs. local residents.

It’s been fantastic to hang out with them again this week, and I had the opportunity to swim at Boulders Beach and a few came to swim near me.

Before I head back to the northern hemisphere I know I’ll be back again for another day at the beach, tucked away in one of the many secret coves along this impressive wild coastline.

Conservation
Boulders Beach
Simonstown, Cape Town
Another day hustling
African penguins choose a mate for life 💗🐧💗
Picnic at Boulders Beach